I want you to know something very important to me.
You’re worth the stars. You are a human being. You have awareness of yourself and surroundings and you can expand this. You are constantly on the verge of new growth. You have a life full of quiet moments, personal triumphs and total heartbreak. I’m in awe of this. Now, not to the point where I get carried away on a cloud, where my feet no longer feel the earth. I am a grounded, steady person. Who listens very well. And what I’m hearing is that people feel disconnected from their bodies, and that they don’t feel they belong. They feel a stranger. The body just wreaks havoc open itself. It is somehow against the person. The person is somehow separate from the body.
I need to tell you this is not the truth. This is a distortion and a distraction. You are a whole person – the body, the mind, the dreams, the fears, all of it together. I understand disconnection from the body can come from a place of deep trauma. The pain of trauma compounds upon itself and creates a muddied perception of the way things are and could be. We no longer see and feel into ourselves with clarity. It is all very heavy. Or it is distant. I get that, I know it too.
Pain comes in waves throughout our life. There are times we do become muddied and times this clears up. Of course! Like a river taking in all the washout after a thunderous rain. Of course it will be muddy for awhile. It is very important to me though, that you remember it will clear up again.
This is important to me because you truly deserve to feel like your body is your home sweet home. Not a strange land. Rather, a land you get to explore and fall in love with. I have a lot to share with you that can help. Riding the waves and waiting for the water to clear up is a big part of why I can share with you now. I am a teacher informed by my life experiences and I am constantly working to filter my experiences not out of fear, rather with the intent for more clarity.
So here is some of it:
- When I was 11 years old I stopped trusting that I would breathe every single night while I slept. This went on for a very, very long time. I had constant massive panic attacks. I would tremble, my teeth would chatter and my jaw would wire shut. I STILL need to be tender towards this part of myself. She still exists.
- I have a very embedded habit of swallowing my words and not expressing how I truly feel and this is something I work at Every. Single. Hour. of Every. Single. Day. Throughout my twenties I have explored many different forms of self expression to try and hack my fears. What I feel the most comfortable with, and therefore the most comfortable teaching, is Embodied Movement; connecting the inner subtle world to the physical and then to one’s surroundings with the intent to communicate or explore feelings. Anxiety has a tendency to really disconnect us from a sense of feeling grounded with the process of how we feel and why. I particularly enjoy working with people to find their inner stability for this reason. I use Yoga as one of the main tools for embodied movement in my Breathing Room for Anxiety Series.
- I have sat with my belly in knots before pressing send on a newsletter that would go out to hundreds of people that I wasn’t even sure wanted to hear from me. I was assisting and then managing at a Yoga Studio at the time. I would criticize myself on ‘how on earth did I get this job I’m not even qualified?!’ and ‘why on earth would anyone trust me to have all this creative license, to write to all of these people?’ and ‘how am I supposed to please all of these different people? How am I supposed to speak on behalf of everyone!?’ I was constantly and consistently afraid that I would not be good enough for the judgement of another. I was continuously attempting to please everyone. I have learned that this people pleasing nature is has deep roots. Of course I’m learning (thanks to mentors and the wise ass remarks from my Grandma) that your life is your life. There are billions of lives out there to live. So live yours. It really narrows down the choice when you choose to live from your own heart and gut rather than anyone else’s. And if someone TRUSTS you and SUPPORTS you and ROOTS for your GROWTH then wow. Go for it. Fly.
I trust in your growth and your process. I trust in your wisdom and the things you’ve seen and felt. I root for you, even if we have never met, because I root for all of us to see ourselves as capable and worthy. I do this because our planet needs this. I do not close my eyes to pain it IS all around us and inside of us. But I also keep my eyes wide open for the beauty and renewal that is also constant and ever present. I walk in this middle place. I embody curiosity for myself and for my surroundings. I’m here to share this with you.
Here’s an exercise to Consider and Connect to the Body.
“I move ____ my body”
Fill in the blank. What fits in the blank for you? Examples: In, as, for, because of, in fear of, to be, with, etc.
It’s not a test. It is a question to launch you into deeper exploration.
Affirm: I am whole. My body, my mind, and my spirit are connected. I am a walking, breathing, whole person. I learn with all of myself.
Ground: Feel where you are in contact with the floor or what you are sitting on. Feel what touches your skin. Smell and notice what you smell. See the colours that stand out the most for you. Wiggle your fingers. Here you are.
Thank you for reading and breathe well,
-Maxine
P.S If you are in need of an experience that will empower and enhance your self-care routine when it comes to anxiety check out Breathing Room. Next 5 week series runs July 9, 2019.