Dusty Rose and the Backward Step:
Reflections on our shadows, gift states, and how our natural impulses shine a light on our purpose.
Okay friends, this is a mix of story-telling and teaching. Although the content of this post relates to my personal impulses, and my relationship with being a hunter, you can read this like an ode to our inner wholeness. And how our shadows are in direct relationship with our gifts. And that we can express our gifts in many different ways.
I was at a meditation retreat recently. And in retreat, we take the backward step. We travel to the foundation of our beliefs. And we practice stripping the layers away and settling our inner eye on the truth.
Checking out the contents of your mind, the resounding narratives that go on and on, and learning not to judge but to really see (and feel) how the things you say to yourself play out, is a very embodied practice. Or it can be if you’re really applying compassion to the process. And if you’re truly feeling the states of mind move through you instead of keeping them abstract.
There’s this assertion that meditation practice misses the mark when it comes to embodiment. That somehow mind and body are separate. And like all things, I would counter that it’s your relationship with any practice that unifies the seemingly separate pieces.
So, over the weekend I sat and watched my mind go on. And in between the critiques and concerns and the distractions I would expand into these slivers of insight. My body would expand too, and I could track sensations rippling through me. Popping like bubbles – here, gone, here, gone. I’m everything, I’m nothing. I am open, I am closed. I am tight, I am receptive.
I’m the world.
I’m an acorn.
I’m a pile of crap.
I’m a sweet child.
I’m old as the oldest thing.
I came into retreat with the intention to be Open to how life wants to move through me, so that I can be of genuine service.
With an intention like that, *I thought*, my retreat would be butter soft.
I’d just melt the layers away.
What happened was the opposite, of course.
Because if you dare to have an intention like ‘to be open’ or to ‘just be’ or ‘heal’, it means you will encounter all the reasons why you struggle to do that.
One option is to just let go of all the things you fight against. All of the abrasive inner judgments. All tightly wound self-sabotaging beliefs. Just let them go.
It’s truly the simplest way.
But to ‘just let it go’ you need to recognize why you might actually like holding on.
What it does for you. How you’re protected here.
I’ve had an inner tension as long as I’ve known, that just wants to say “fuck it, I’m out” and just absolutely bail on all levels of responsibility, community, and awareness. It’s like flight response blended with collapse with a sprinkle of fight.
And I have a very rich life. The community around me, the resources around me, and the sheer moments of luck and kindness make for actually a very enriched life. One that I’m learning always how to let in.
And this part comes up that would very much prefer to reject all of it or make it a problem. Because it’s a lot to feel, honestly. It’s a love of love, acceptance, and abundance to feel.
Saturday at the retreat I sat with this part of myself who was like “if we’re just practicing to let go, then none of this actually matters and I don’t even need to be here.”
The nihilistic one. I try so hard for no one to see her. But, she can be very obvious. She is the pendulum swing from the other side where I Fawn – which is a behavior we engage that looks like people pleasing/appeasing and becoming totally enmeshed. This has been my inner tension for decades.
So I did what this part really doesn’t want me to do and I shared it with the group. I said “this is happening for me, I want to leave all of you and just get out of here” and then my teacher gave her name and it was hilarious and humanizing.
Dusty Rose.
She just wants to to hit the fuckin’ trail.
And like all things that bring on remarkable inner tension, when we speak them out, we let them breathe. They take up less energy. Speaking out about what causes us internal tension is an aspect of transformation. It indicates we’re feeling safe enough to admit that the impulse we’re feeling is causing us suffering, and we want to shift that. We’re ready to shift the relationship with the thing. After I shared this, my body relaxed more. I felt more of that buttery softness in my system again.
And like all Shadows that serve to protect us, there is also a Gift State. This is part of our natural inner unity, our wholeness. The gifts can be used to shield us and the gifts we have can be used as service.
When I came home I told Corey all about Dusty Rose. And he laughed and said, “that’s not just it though.”
As in, she’s not just some nihilist protecting you from the threat of feeling too much, or from anticipating abandonment, that’s not just what the impulse is. And he pointed directly to the heart of the gift state:
“You’re a hunter is what it is.”
That part has a gift that is responsible for how I can channel my energy into hunting. It is a natural aspect of who I am.
From here on out, replace the idea of the ‘hunt’ with the impulse. In my case, it’s the impulse to be both connected and outside of a group at the same time. It’s the impulse I’m speaking to, not the way the impulse manifests. Getting curious about our impulsive behaviors and our beliefs illuminates both the shadow and the gift state. I’m speaking about my direct experience with a shadow- the nihilist who wants out, and a gift state associated with that shadow. We all have this in many different forms. And both the shadow and the gift state, are glimmers of your true nature. Your purpose.
Not that hunting is nihilistic by the way. The opposite actually. I feel SO much paradox when I hunt (so much reverence for life and so much desire to end it), that there is an absolute, natural, letting go. But other than the ‘letting go’ that is fueled by the nihilist who believes nothing matters, it’s a letting go into how everything DEEPLY matters and how interconnected I am with all life. And not that I am gifted as a hunter – I’m not. I am gifted at embodying the energy that is required to be a hunter.
And it truly feeds the part of me that wants to be on the outer ring of the community but still feel deeply connected at the same time.
This is the impulse. To let go, and be on the outer ring, bringing nourishment in.
When this part is in it’s purest expression, it actually serves to feed others. It is connective. It is an impulse that serves the whole.
But when this energy is co-opted as a form of emotional protection, it serves to cut me off from others, to become apathetic and even feeling superior.
If I were to hunt in a village, I’d be on the outer ring, often. This is actually in my essence and it’s taken me a while to understand it. It can be difficult to discern when something is your essence, your nature, and when it’s an ego identity. Do I just want to be a hunter? Is something I’ve thought a lot about.
Your essence my dear, is not always convenient with how you think your life should be. This journey sure has not been convenient for me.
And here at this meditation retreat, I was the only one sleeping in the forest, in my tent. Because it truly felt the most comfortable. It was so obvious.
He tells me about who I become by mid-turkey season in May. I become sharp, focused, and willingly sever off from additional baggage. I manage my energy discerningly. I can cut myself off and immerse myself in the hunt itself and that feeds me completely. There isn’t a doubt in my mind at that time what my priorities are. It borderlines obsession but it really is a very strong impulse.
He’s actually always seen this part in me as a gift and I never could.
(And a shameless plug for this man of mine is that I believe he has an incredible gift of perception.)
I just thought this part of me was a problem. Why do I always want to be on the outside of things? There’s just a natural drive to retreat to the perimeter, to watch, and to go off alone.
And the part that has always fucked me up is that I have natural, innate, leadership qualities. People genuinely look to me and I can teach. I always find my way back to the center of a room.
And it is confusing to feel a pull to always want to leave and also somehow be deeply interwoven in the fabric of a community at the same time.
It’s because I’m meant to bring in nourishment. In all ways. And part of this can only be done when I leave the proximity of others.
I’m not meant to be a central hub. I lead from the outer ring.
It’s obvious in my work too. I am comfortable at the thresholds with people. I am comfortable tracking nervous systems and sensations and guiding others to see their inner landscape with more reverence. I help people harvest the wisdom from within themselves so they can be fed by it, and feed others with it.
This is what integration of a shadow can reveal to us. A greater understanding, and deeper compassion for, who we just naturally are and the natural impulses we have. Your purpose is nothing more than how life naturally wants to move through you. It is not about finding your purpose. More like, connecting with what is already here.
What a breakthrough, and not something I could understand on my own.
This is also why I believe the most potent meditation retreats include group sharing. Speaking out our insights helps our bodies organize around the clarity of truth without rejecting it. And it’s a practice to do this.
The points of this share are this:
- stillness is an embodied practice when you aren’t separating mind from body.
- your ‘shadows’ have gift states in their purest expression.
- it may be that the energy is being used to protect your vulnerabilities. The energy can be used as a service, too.
- If there is a natural impulse you are constantly fighting against, can you imagine different ways that impulse can express?
- what if your nature isn’t a problem?
- what might shift in you if you give a ‘part’ a name and bring it into a humanizing light?
- we all have different ways of leading and being in the community. We all have different ways of opening to being of service.
I’d be so curious to learn if this pinged anything for you about your own relationship to purposes and impulses.
Walking the spiral path with you, with love!
-Maxine
–Nurture Your Nature is my foundational 1:1 mentorship path. We explore the intersection of caring for your animal body and embodying your essence.
-I also offer embodiment coaching sessions using Somatic Experiencing. Online. 60 Min.
–Tend is my 6 month group container for women that is all about tending to the conditions that nourish your vitality.
-And Needy Bitch is my signature workshop for the natural, raw power that is revealed once we feel safe enough to stop fawning and honor our needs and desires instead.