I had my digital shopping cart full of 6 items. Things I didn’t need, but nice things, things that landed into my cart because I shrugged and thought ‘self-care’.  At the time I was not drinking enough water, I was feeling fear every night before bed, I was using substances to space out from my discomfort, I was avoiding speaking up about where I wanted my life to go, and I didn’t actually know anyways.

This was before I grew a relationship with Self Nurturing, which has been a radical practice for me. It’s changed my life. I get less caught up in blaming others or myself. I see my patterns more clearly. I’m not so obsessive about figuring out what can go wrong, or what is wrong. I’m learning to hold the roots of where my pain comes from and how I compensate or defend myself. It’s still a practice, every single hour.⁠ ⁠ This helps me embody more of who I truly feel I am, by bringing my sub conscious needs to the surface, so I can tend to them.⁠ ⁠Before I get into whether or not your self nurturing is blocked, I want to break down the difference between self-nurturing and self-care. 

The Difference: Self Nurturing & Self Care:

“Nurture reflects a general attitude toward yourself, an attitude of believing you are worthy of tenderness, and able to provide it to yourself through your thoughts and actions.” -Dr. Alice Domar⁠ ⁠

Self Care as a term has revolutionary origins, tied to the words of Black Civil Rights Activist, Feminist, Writer, Mover of Mountains, Audre Lorde, who is quoted to say:

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”⁠ ⁠

There are truly two reasons why I prefer the term self-nurture over self-care for the work I desire to support others with.

1. I associate my coaching with the term ‘Self Nurture’ because, though I consider both to be verbs for vitality and wellness, not static states, I value the place where the term self-care was born from and recognize it’s importance. Self-Care has roots in social justice and has been snatched up and used to aid in marketing swaths of essential oils, yoga accessories, and the pacification of rage through sentiments like ‘just relax’, in my opinion. In Audre Lorde’s quote, caring for oneself in BIPOC communities is a radical act of political warfare.  The capacity to care for others and rise even in the face of danger or discomfort to display that caring, requires a consideration and care for the self as well. Self Care as political warfare recognizes that we are interconnected. You can read more here about how Self-Care is a Radical Act – especially for Black Women.

2.  For the work that I do, and my own relationship to personal healing, I prefer the term Self-Nurturing. I consider the Nurturing Presence to be an inner voice required to advocate for acts of self-care to arise. And I also see how the Nurturing Voice is so depleted within the relationships women have with one another, and themselves. 

Self Nurturing is this inner presence that advocates for you to be well, by recognizing what you need. What you really need. ⁠ ⁠ And not turning away.⁠  It’s made of sub elements like compassion, presence, curiosity, connection. ⁠Self-Nurturing is the all benevolent inner guardian or parental force. I believe it’s the essence behind re-parenting the self.  

Self Nurturing is not about making life consistently cozy. There are still threats, challenges, and triggers to navigate. There are still others who have less of their needs met, or more of their needs met, than I do. There is still strife.  The relationship to how you respond to conflict will change through a Self Nurturing presence.

How to Tell If Your Self -Nurturing is Blocked:

Say out loud to yourself these three statements. Notice as you do it, how your body responds. How do they feel to say? 

“I am worthy to receive my own attention”⁠ ⁠
“What desires attention in me is worth acknowledging”
“I know what I need to feel safe”

Notice: if  your posture shrinks or contracts, jaw tenses, there’s a sudden flutter around your emotional spaces (throat, belly, heart etc), if you feel the opposite of what you would consider empowerment, if you feel embarrassed, if you rush through saying them. These observations can indicate your self-nurturing may be blocked and in need of attention. 

So, now what?

That’s the journey, and I want you to know I am on this journey too. I suggest making small promises for yourself in the physical realm that are based on pleasure and nourishment. This will exercise the Self Nurturing Voice. Some other examples:

-Drink x glasses of water a day. Consider if you want fresh herbs in your water, if you want it chilled etc.

-When you have free time, pause and ask what would truly make you feel alive (even if that means a nap!)

-Make a list of nourishes you, what foods, conversations, places in nature, activities, really feed you?

-Book in movement breaks throughout your work day or purposefully take alternate routes when you walk to common places

And, when you neglect these promises or forget them, set the intention that eventually you will return to them.

When you feel cornered with anxiety or self-doubt, imagine you were someone else you really care about. What would they need right now to feel safe? Then practice reflecting that back into yourself. If it’s difficult, that’s okay, self-nurturing is a practice. 

A big, warm smile from me to you.

Feel free to share with me what you’ve learned on your self-nurturing journey, what you feel the difference is between self-care and self-nurturing, or anything else that comes to mind/body. 

xoxo Maxine